L is for Love

I posted a few weeks ago about things I love.  The list still holds true and there is much more I could have added.

Today I'm thinking more along the lines of romantic love.  The love you read about in books or see in movies.  Does it exist?  Or is most of that lust combined with some fondness?  I've always thought that I wanted to be with someone who was a friend first.  Someone who I had gotten to know over time and who I loved and appreciated in their entirety.  I know there are different schools of thought regarding this. I have a very good friend who says she has enough female friends and doesn't need her lover to be her friend as well.

From all I've read about relationships, it seems that the passion people have at the beginning of a relationship doesn't last.  There are certain hormones that are rampant during the "falling in love" stage of a relationship that just don't stick around.  About 18 months into a new relationship people think they've fallen out of love, but what they've really fallen out of is that hormonal rush of feeling.  Are those falling in love feelings awesome? Absolutely, but they're also not sustainable. So I guess for me it makes sense to be with someone you really like because the rest of the stuff is so ephemeral.

What have been your personal experiences with new relationships and how they've evolved?

K is for Kink

Warning: adult content ahead.

 

I am attempting to be completely honest and completely myself during my blogging and what better way to lay it all out there than by saying I am into kink.  Now, people hear the word "kinky" and they think weirdos, pedophiles, degenerates, deviants, etc.  I'm here to tell you that most people who are into kink or BDSM usually can't be picked out from a crowd. Usually.  Just as anything else, there are degrees and levels of involvment in kink.  And just because one is into kink doesn't mean one is into everything involved with kink. Are there some unsavory types in the kink scene? Yes. But there are unsavory types in the vanilla world, too.  So before you judge people for their kinky interests, please educate yourself before you form your opinions.

 

Involvment in kink can be mild:

• foot fetishists
• dress-up (corsets, heels and stockings)
• erotic photography
• role play

 to moderate:

• bondage
• spanking

to extreme:

• breath play
• needle play
• CBT (look it up--but be warned it *is* extreme and you might see something VERY graphic)

 These are just a very, very few examples. 

One's level of involvment is nothing but a preference. The kink community is very welcoming and very accepting. I am not into the extreme end of kink, but I don't try to make others wrong for enjoying and engaging in the extreme stuff.  The saying is "YKINMK" or "Your kink is not my kink."  It's a "to each his own" type of philosophy that I appreciate.

I'd be more than happy to answer questions or give you website addresses that can help you understand all of this.  And if you are curious about the kink lifestyle, don't be shy...the water's fine! ;)

J is for Judgemental

During this A to Z blogging event, I have decided to lay it all out there--warts and all. Today is one of those days.  Fellow bloggers, I have a confession.  I am judgmental.  This was pointed out to me by a therapist during one of our sessions where I was once again beating up on myself--not literally of course.  We talked more and she asked if I was tough on people and if I expected a lot from them. I do. She then said it was because I judged myself so harshly.  (I do.)  This is not something of which I'm proud.  I don't judge people on looks, status, or material things. I tend to think in terms like "If they'd only just do (fill in the blank) they wouldn't keep having such problems."  or "Why can't they see that what they're doing is WRONG WRONG WRONG??"  Ever since that relevatory moment in therapy, I have tried to be more compassionate.  I try to remember that everyone is going through their own struggles and that everyone is doing the very best they can with the tools they currently possess. And through all of this, it has allowed me to be kinder to myself. To realize that I don't need to judge myself so harshly either. 

To paraphrase (because I can't find the exact quote): We do the best we can at the time with the tools we have. When we know better, we do better.

I am trying to do better.

I is for Insecure

I wish I were a more secure person.  I want to be bold and brave. I want to have the confidence that I am enough. That I am worthy; that I am lovable. At the moment, I believe none of those. I know seeking that validation outside myself is not the way to go.  No matter how many times I am told by others that I am enough, that I am worthy, that I am lovable, I don't believe it.  And until I believe it to the depths of my soul I will keep needing that validation.  And I've learned from experience that someone else can not be your self esteem nor can you be theirs. 

So how does one get to that point of believing herself good enough, pretty enough, interesting enough? Because I know there is a vicious circle happening.  I don't feel good, pretty, or interesting enough so I subconsciously exude that insecurity and people are put off by that which in turn I deem as proof of all my failings. This struggle feels like a roller coaster ride: up and down.  I have good days, bad days, sometimes I'll even have great days.  I'm working toward having more good and great days. I am realistic enough to know that it will require work and that wishing and hoping things were different won't make it so. The struggle at the moment is the "how". What can I do to help things along?  I guess I keep trying. I will keep seeking.

Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.
Norman Vincent Peale

H is for Happiness

It seems like a big topic to handle, and maybe it is. But I also don't think happiness is all that complicated. I think happiness is defined differently by different people and that some think happiness is nothing but joyful feelings or having a smile on your face.  Am I joyful in happy moments sometimes? Absolutely. Do I smile during happy moments? You bet I do.  For me, though, happiness is about contentment with my life. It's a feeling and a sense that I am doing what I'm meant to be and I'm where I'm supposed to be in that moment. It's a feeling of peace and ease with life. That sense of being in the flow of life.

There seems to be a belief in modern society that one has to be happy all of the time. I'm not sure where or when that started, but I don't think it's a natural state for humans to be happy all the time.  Sad things happen in life and part of being able to deal with it and let go is feeling the sadness.  I also think we wouldn't appreicate the good times nearly as much if we were happy all the time.  But we've been sold the idea of happiness looking a certain way and we've been sold on the idea that if you're not happy all the time there is something "wrong"--something needing to be fixed.

Do I think there are genuine times when people need some chemical intervention? Yes. But I think we've oversimplified the solution to bringing ourselves out of the depths.  I've been seriously depressed several times in my life and have gotten through them. My latest one was three years ago. I was sitting on my couch sobbing, and I thought to myself "I'd rather die than be in this much pain."  It was a scary wake-up call for me.  I had never before considered death as an option.  I realized something had to be done. I got into therapy, I started making changes in my life and slowly, gradually, I started to feel better. Today, I'm the most content and self-aware as I've ever been in my life.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances."
- Martha Washington


F is for Female Friendship

I have been blessed to have met many wonderful people throughout my life. I am even more blessed to be able to call some of those people friends. And while I have loved all of my friends, those who hold the most special places in my heart are my female friends.  I know some of the most amazing women and I am indeed lucky to call some my friends. These women are smart, funny, loyal and fiercely protective.  They have shown time and again that they would go to battle for me and I love how each of them are willing to go after anyone who has hurt me.  I am humbled and grateful for that level of love and caring. And I know I would do the same for any of them.  These friends are a source of strength, a source of comfort, and always the ones who can "talk me back from the ledge."

What saddens me is when I see women around me who are so competitive with each other that they don't know how wonderful these friendships can be. They're all fighting to be the prettiest and the one who gets all the attention that they see more benefit from keeping someone down rather than trying to lift her up. I wish I could say I only see it in younger women, but I do still see it in women my age. Not as much, but still enough to be disheartening.  And the thing is, when we women work together, we are a force with which to be reckoned. 

Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant.
Socrates

E is for Endings

I had one of those blow-to-the-gut moments a few weeks ago.  I sent an email to someone I hadn't talked to in a while, but he had been heavy on my mind lately and when that happens for no particular reason, I think it's life trying to tell you something, so I sent the email.  I got an email from my service provider telling me that it bounced back because my IP address has been blocked as spam.  It hurt, I will admit.  This is someone with whom I have had such amazing conversations and who was extremely integral in my personal growth these past three years.  I'm upset that this person may be gone from my life forever. We had always had one of those correspondences where we could not email or chat for months, and then pick up right where we left off.  I was hoping it would be the same this time.

When I make a connection with someone, it's difficult for me to end that connection. It doesn't happen often for me and those people who I've bared my soul to aren't easy to let go. The older I've gotten the more I realize endings are just part of life. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

I try to find some comfort in in being philosophical. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."(Ahhh, the philosophy of Semisonic.)  But there is still sadness; I am still mourning the loss of connection and friendship. Also, this isn't one of the most painful of endings. At least I can wish this person health and happiness and hope good things happen for him.

May your endings be few and as pain-free as possible.