U is for Unworthy

I have in my life an amazing man who for whatever reason is deeply in love with me. He is everything I have ever wanted and I love him so much it feels like I might just burst with it some days.

I have never ever believed I would have something like this--this love--in my life. I believed it for everyone around me. I believed that everyone was destined to be with someone they loved who truly loved them if that's what they wanted. But not me. I could never believe it for me. I never believed myself deserving. I never believed myself worthy of it. I could rattle off 10 "flaws" I think I have without so much as pausing to think about it, but if you asked me to name 10 things that might make me worthy of love and affection from someone (and I'm not just talking romantic love either), I struggle with it. I hem and haw and when I do think of something positive I qualify it or my "bad wolf" automatically starts telling me how full of myself and vain I am.

As a result, it's difficult for me to believe deep down that this man loves me. I have fears and insecurities that I allow to take over until I start believing them. When I'm having good days, I can easily talk myself back from the ledge by acknowledging that feelings aren't facts and all evidence (REAL evidence) points to nothing like my mind has awful-ized. Then there are my "I'm unworthy" days when I feel almost paranoid about everything. As if I'm waiting for something horrible to come pouncing out of nowhere and the bad wolf will be able to say "See? I told you it wasn't real and you weren't ever going to be happy."

I think I have found some ways to help push the negative thoughts aside. Not ignore them. Not fight them--for doing that gives them power and makes them stronger. But replacing them with affirmations and positive thoughts. Even if I don't believe them, it's important to say them or write them. Because if I'm concentrating on one, I'm not concentrating on the other, and vice versa. And I'm told that eventually, with enough time and repetition, I WILL start to believe the affirmations.

So I keep working at it. Keep trying and sticking with the things that work for me to help me feel better, feel WORTHY of the good in my life.

T is for Try

This touches on a lot of the subjects I've talked about in this year's A to Z Challenge. Trying. Trying our best. Trying to be better today then yesterday. Trying to be a good person. Trying to fight the demons of doubt and insecurity.

I always think I'm going to get to some point of attainment of these goals. Like I'll reach a day when I won't have to try, but then...that's not the point  is it? The day we stop trying is the day life is over. I think it will always be about doing and trying. The things I want aren't like destinations I'll reach and then go no further. I think there is always something new to tackle, some new challenge to overcome.

I beat myself up for not being "there" yet. If only I had done my affirmations and meditations more consistently, I would be at that place over there--that place where I'm confident and bold and courageous. Instead of giving myself credit for TRYING, I look at it as a failure I'm not "there". Instead of seeing the trying as worthy in and of itself, I feel bad for not achieving.

Perhaps it's as simple as re-framing things. There is no destination I need to get to by a certain time table. There is just the journey of doing. Of being. Of trying to be the best me I can every day and knowing that the effort of doing my best, of trying my hardest, is all I ever need to worry about.

S is for Snow

Snow has been so prevalent in Denver this April, I couldn't NOT talk about it at some point. As a matter of fact, here was the scene outside my house this morning:

So....yeah...it's pretty crappy weather-wise and has been for most of the month. Now, I understand that April is Colorado's second snowiest month (preceded by March), but I'm used to spring snows where it dumps 8-10 inches and then it's 50 degrees and melted the next day. This April's weather has felt unrelentingly cold, windy, and snowy. I keep thinking of that line from Groundhog Day:

I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.

I know that's not true; it' just feels true today. I'm trying to remain positive and keep a good attitude, but if I don't get to wear my cute spring dresses and open-toed shoes soon, Mother Nature and I are going to have words and it will not be pretty.

Wishing you all better weather than here and pretty spring days with trees budding, birds signing, and flowers peeking through the soil in your gardens. :)

R is for Rogers (Fred Rogers)

I loved watching Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood when I was little. My favorite bits were when Mr. Rogers would go to a factory or outside the neighborhood and show how things were made or how things were done. I wasn't a huge fan of the puppets in the Kingdom--their faces kind of creeped me out, but I always felt soothed by Mr. Rogers' gentle demeanor and calmness.

A few years ago after his death, many things were posted about Fred Rogers and his personality. And as kind and wonderful as he was on his show, it seems that he was even better than that in person. There are countless stories of his kindness and patience with people and his genuine curiosity about everyone he met. One of my favorite stories is of him going to a dinner party and being picked up by a limo service. As was typical for Fred Rogers, he got to know the driver, asking about him and his life. After Mr. Rogers found out that the driver was going to wait outside for two hours, Mr. Rogers brought the driver into the dinner party with him.

I aspire to be like Fred Rogers. To be as tolerant of others as he was. To be as curious about everyone I meet just as he was. To be patient and kind to everyone. I am brought to tears thinking about his gentle soul and his genuine love for his fellow man. And I hope to someday be the person Mr. Rogers thought I could be.

Q is for Quality

I don't like to generalize, but for my purposes here and this post, I will make a generalization and say that it seems as though as a society, we have come to devalue quality. In everything. There seems to be a lack of quality in our entertainment (television, movies, books, music), our relationships (brief, fleeting connections via text messages and social media), our food (when was the last time you ate solely real food that your great grandparents would have recognized as food?), our durable goods (cars, clothing, furniture, etc.).

Neil deGrasse Tyson (a favorite of mine) had a quote the other day regarding quality:

The economic battle cry of "buy American" should instead be "Buy the Best", thereby compelling Americans to make the best.

I think we get to better quality by demanding better quality. Not in a loud, "GIVE IT TO ME" sort of way, but by refusing to purchase/watch/involve ourselves in anything that is less than what we want. It takes time. It takes effort. It costs more money most of the time. But we also have to stop focusing on cost (monetary and otherwise) and focus instead on VALUE. If I buy a $100 dollar item that I can get years of use out of, then the value far outweighs the cost. If I invest 30 minutes a day in self care (meditation, prayer, working out), and recoup peace of mind and health, then that 30 minutes that I might have spent doing something else is more valuable.

I want to start living a quality life rather than a life filled with third rate items that fill the physical space, but don't fill my mind and soul.

P is for Perfect

Perfection. I think we all think about it. I think we all put undue pressure on ourselves to achieve it. In all honesty, I don't think perfection is possible. So why do I (and others) hold ourselves to such an unattainable ideal? Why do we feel it's okay for others to not be perfect, but bring out the torture devices when we fall short? 

I do think it's important to do your absolute best every single day. I don't think we give up and say "Oh well. I guess if I can't achieve perfection I'll stop trying." We can look at our days and think "What could I have done better? Because I wasn't perfect today, but I can sure as heck be better tomorrow." I think we can do this in little things and big things. I didn't get my underarm turns and butterflies perfect at my dance lesson, but I can practice and do better next time. I wasn't perfect in being judgement-free and kind to everyone yesterday, but I can definitely try and do better today. 

How freeing would it be for all of us to let go of trying to be "perfect"? How much less stress would we have in our lives if we forgave ourselves for those times we fall short of how we would like to be and concentrate instead on how we can make today better? 

We do the best we know how at the time with the tools we have. When we know better, we do better. 

N & O are for Nodding Off

So it's Division Review day here in my office. The bigwigs from corporate are in to see the presentations from the various teams regarding how well we're doing, what we have planned, why we think we have good areas to explore, etc. While I find these presentations mostly interesting, sometimes things get technical enough from the engineers and geologists and geophysicists and chemists that things just start sounding like the adults in a Charlie Brown animated special. And when that happens, I start Nodding Off.

It reminds me of sitting through Sunday mass when I was younger, fighting my heavy eyelids, trying to keep my head from bobbing. I took a break and came down to my office and posted on Facebook for some suggestions at staying awake. My niece, true to form, had an immediate and hilarious comeback. What did she suggest? "Every three minutes yell out 'In the name of The Lord, Amen!" Followed by a suggestion from her friend that I play "Division Review Bingo", followed by another suggestion from my niece building on the "bingo" concept of making a gesture every time someone sniffles or coughs.

Thank goodness for smartass nieces and friends to keep me smiling through my day and hopefully keep me from Nodding Off in front of the head of the company. :)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to slam an energy drink and head back upstairs...