Further reflections on a long-distance relationship

I have been having a difficult time lately. Not that every day apart from the person you love isn't difficult. But since this past weekend I've been having a particularly difficult time staying positive. It's been almost eight months since I saw J. I never thought we'd have to wait so long to see each other again. The insecure part of me (the crazy girl who crawls up from the basement from time to time) tries to make me believe that he doesn't want to see me. And then I have people who, bless them, frequently ask "So when are you going to see each other again?" I know they just want to see me happy and that they want to see the rest of the love story that has started. But as soon as I tell them that no plans have been made, they give me that look. And then the "Why?" question follows. I tell them why, but they always follow up with "solutions" for me on how to make things happen sooner.

But here's the thing. This is MY story. Just because I'm not handling it the way they would, and just because I'm not doing the thing they think will get me and J together again, doesn't mean what I'm doing is wrong. It's my journey and if and when the time becomes right to take a step, then I will do it or take it. And just because things aren't happening as soon as they'd like or as soon as I'd like doesn't mean things aren't happening. And their "advice" isn't helping.

I don't know what the answer is. All I know is that the answer has to be the right one for me. For both of us. And I have to keep sticking to what I do know. That I love J very much. That I want to make a life with him. That when and if the time comes to make the next step, I will be ready.

Has Spring finally arrived?

Dare I hope so? Has it really and truly happened?

It seems as just a very short time ago I was lamenting the fact that winter was outstaying its welcome. April was cold and snowy and cold. Trees that usually begin to show signs of new life were still dormant at the beginning of May. My nephew calls the bare-branched trees "stick-y trees"--because the branches are sticks. It was depressing, I tell ya. Any flower that had hopefully peeked out from beneath the frozen soil was soon smooshed into oblivion by heavy snows or frozen to death by the plunging temps of late April and early May. I started to become crabby and irritable.

Then, before I could even register what was happening, I noticed trees had leaves and lawns were green and  my furnace was no longer kicking on in the morning. Had it happened? Had spring and its accompanying warmer temps really and truly arrived?

My friends, I think the answer might be "yes". But don't say it too loud or too often. Mother Nature likes to have her fun with us humans. So I will enjoy the warm days when I can, and pedicure my toes in hope of sandals and flip flop weather. :)

A to Z April blogging challenge - Reflections

This was my second year doing the challenge and I think my posts this year were better than last year's posts overall. The challenge for me was subject matter. Coming up with subjects to blog about is difficult as it is, but trying to fit something you feel you can talk about for at least a few paragraphs that is letter-specific is definitely challenging. (See what I did there?) Then, when you start getting to the end of the alphabet and the not-so-commonly-used letters and trying to find subjects for those letters, the challenge intensifies. Or it did for me.

As I look back over the statistics of the posts in this year's challenge, it's interesting to me to see which ones got the most traffic. This one had the most views: K is for Kindness followed second by this one: P is for Perfect. I'm not sure if they resonated with people, or if those were just the quirks of having a blog and some days just getting more traffic than others regardless of topic.

I enjoyed the challenge, though. I realize that I express myself best when I write. I don't do too bad in person, but if I can take time to think about what I want to say, I find myself to be able to express my intent more clearly and be more eloquent for sure.

Will I do the A to Z challenge again? I most probably will. And I phrase it that way because you never quite know where life will lead you in a year's time. It's certainly my intention to do it again. I think the more I write, the better I become at it and it feels good to complete something like this. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride that I followed through with the whole month's worth of writing. I got behind a few days, but I did post for all the letters.

I can't wait to read the other reflection posts to see how others feel about it. There is such a vast array of  people who take a part in the challenge that I'm sure the experiences will cover a broad spectrum. This is one of the reasons I love the A to Z challenge so much--getting to see others' blogs I might not normally see and learn and grow through the reading of those different kinds of blogs.

Y is for Yesteryears (totally made that up) or, The Past

I often get stuck in my past. I drag it around with me everywhere I go and with every experience I have. Unfortunately, it's not just the good, fun memories I bring. What's at the forefront of all this I'm lugging around is the past hurts, the past disappointments, the past failures. They serve no purpose other than to make me worry about my today. The "what ifs" start playing over and over in my mind.

I've heard it said that as humans, we don't do anything unless there is a payoff for it. So I have to ask myself: What's the payoff for worrying? What's the payoff in seeing threats around every corner, trouble down every path? Because while it's happening I'm stressed, sad, fearful, and unfocused. And I hate it. I hate feeling those things. It's as if I'm on constant vigilance waiting for the other shoe to drop when in reality there may not be any shoe. What is it inside of me that is programmed to expect something bad rather than something good? Is it a bad habit? Is it something that was set in my neural pathways since I was little? Is it learned? Is there any reprogramming it?

I want to stop worrying. I want to feel more positive. I want to let go of my past and the fears about it repeating itself. My big question now is: How?

X is for eXes

My wonderful, beautiful Irishman has an ex. Ex-wife to be exact. And like a lot of "exes", there are some strong feelings there.

Then today, I came across this on a image-share website. It was captioned "My ex used to call me 'man-child'".

All I see is sheer joy on his face and why wouldn't someone want that for anyone they purport to love? And, as I tend to do, I started thinking (over-thinking?) about what their relationship may have been like and what the expectations of the relationship were going in.

Was this "man-child" quality part of the reason they broke up? The caption lends evidence that it played a part. And I started thinking of relationships in general and how we approach them. I think one of the bigger mistakes we make--especially when we're younger--is to assume that the other person will change for us. "If he loved me enough, he wouldn't be so childish." What about the reverse of that? "If I loved him enough, I would allow him to be who he is." And in the end that's what we need to do. Love the people we found for exactly who they are. AND for exactly who they are not.

My J loves, loves, LOVES guns and watching gun programs on TV. Me? Not so much. But I wouldn't ever expect him to give that up because I don't share that passion with him. He loves video games in which you shoot people and blow stuff up. I've never played one of those types of games in my life. But I don't ever want him to stop doing what brings him happiness.

I don't claim to have figured it all out and that if my advice were heeded the divorce rate would drop to all-time lows. What I do know is that there isn't one thing I ever want to change about J. I'm not saying he's perfect. No one is. But he's exactly who he's meant to be. And if he does want to change something about himself FOR himself, I will be there by his side every step of the way.

W is for Workplace

I start my day by logging into my computer--which is a laptop in a docking station. The laptop thrust upon me by my manager who insisted I'd need it when I went traveling to the field offices. And while it is somewhat handy to basically take your setup with you, sometimes it's far more trouble than it's worth. At my work station here in Denver, I have a full keyboard, my mouse and dual screens

After firing up the computer and logging in, I check my email. My inbox is a mess (and the pic below is just the beginning. 

Although I TRY to keep things organized with folders.

As bad as this all looks (and maybe to you it doesn't look too bad), it's far better than it used to be, but still far short of where I'd like it to be. I used to have such a pristine inbox. Maybe there would be 10 to 15 emails in it, instead of the hundreds there today. Something to aspire to I guess. HA!

For whatever reason, my office is insanely cold--and that's something coming from me. I rarely get cold and am usually the first to ask others around me, "Is it hot in here?"  So in order to keep things comfortable and avoid hypothermia, I have had to employ this:

A space heater that sits on my windowsill pointed directly at me. On the bright side, at least I'm not falling into a heat-induced stupor because it's so comfortable and snuggly warm in my office. 

To keep me sane, it helps to have Gary (my betta) around. Although with my new office setup, he's not as front and center as he used to be in my old office. I get a peek at him between my monitors.

He seems pretty happy and gets excited when he sees me. I know he knows he's going to get fed, but part of me likes to believe he's happy to see me. :)

At the end of the day I head for the elevators, very eager to get in and get the first leg of my journey home behind me. A few years ago they installed what I can only describe as mini-TVs in the elevators that scroll news, weather, stock prices, and various advertisements. Apparently a 15 second elevator ride is too boring and we must be stimulated at all times, don'tcha know?

The ridiculously shiny elevator and mini-TV:

And once I make it down to the first floor, here is the lobby of our building. 

Looking at this picture I realize the lobby is also really shiny. Then again, they employ a full staff of help to make sure it stays purty. 

So there you have it, my day in a nutshell.

V is for Voyage

If you've read one of my posts from last year, I have a fear of flying. It's nothing debilitating (thank goodness), but I probably wouldn't ever want to get a blood pressure reading on any day I have to fly. That being said, I love going to different places and meeting different people and seeing things that are so different than what I know here in Colorado.

My biggest challenge thus far in my voyages has been the trip I took last October to Ireland to see my Sweetie. I had flown internationally once. I consider it dipping my toe in the water of "international" travel. I went to the Bahamas in 2011 and considering it's only a 25-minute flight from Ft. Lauderdale, I don't know that it really counts. I had never before in my 43 years flown across an entire ocean to get to a completely different continent. The crossing-the-ocean part is what was intimidating for me. Then I met J and I knew that meeting him was a foregone conclusion. The tricky part was getting to him. Things all came together in late August. Between his schedule and mine, it was decided that early October would be best. So I went online and looked at flights and found one that was good for both of us time-wise and booked and bought my tickets. It was the easiest, most sure decision I've ever made in my life. I'm one who hesitates hitting the "Complete Purchase" button on most shopping websites, but with this trip, there was zero  hesitation in me at all. My fear of flying didn't enter my mind. My fear of rejection didn't enter my mind. My fear of what others would think didn't enter my mind. All I knew was that being with J was something I was meant to do.

I get emotional now thinking of it. Thinking of how many of my fears I faced in one fell swoop. And I get emotional thinking of the absolute joy I got from the trip itself.

If there's one piece of advice I could give about your own voyages is just to take them. To the next town, the next state, the next country...stretch your comfort zone a bit. Meet people and take the chance. And if you can't take a physical trip, reach out to people online who live in different areas than you. Ask questions. Start an electronic pen pal-ship. Pictures can be posted, stories can be shared. And be willing to help someone understand your little part of the world. How beautiful of a community could we create if we all shared a little?

A picture I took while in Ireland