Z is for Zed

Z--the end. Z--the final letter.  Z--the end of this particular journey.

I can't believe we are here at the end of the challenge!!  It's been inspiring for me to not only write so personally and have others read and respond, but to read other people's funny, courageous, heartfelt, and personal narratives as well.

Through this I have learned that Dr. Maya Angelou's quote is so very true: "We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike."  I think that's such a beautiful thing to learn and remember. We may have different views, tremendously varied backgrounds, and differing ideologies, but we also all share the human of experience of love, hope, despair, anger, laughter, friendship. The list could go on and on, but it makes me smile to think about. I revel in that feeling of connection and camaraderie.

I have stumbled a bit in the challenge--not always posting on time, perhaps not writing as eloquently or as profoundly as I had hoped--but I have kept on. I have been gentle with myself. I haven't thought I wasn't good enough or that I wasn't worthy to be amongst my fellow A to Z'ers.  That in itself has been important for me.  It's been the little triumphs throughout this month that have given me a sense of confidence. The feedback from all of you has been wonderful as well.  I appreciate each and every one of you who has taken the time to read my posts and comment.

This has been fun and I am sad to see it end.  However, I am already looking forward to next year!



Human Family - by Maya Angelou
I note the obvious differences
in the human family.
Some of us are serious,
some thrive on comedy.

Some declare their lives are lived
as true profundity,
and others claim they really live
the real reality.

The variety of our skin tones
can confuse, bemuse, delight,
brown and pink and beige and purple,
tan and blue and white.

I've sailed upon the seven seas
and stopped in every land,
I've seen the wonders of the world
not yet one common man.

I know ten thousand women
called Jane and Mary Jane,
but I've not seen any two
who really were the same.

Mirror twins are different
although their features jibe,
and lovers think quite different thoughts
while lying side by side.

We love and lose in China,
we weep on England's moors,
and laugh and moan in Guinea,
and thrive on Spanish shores.

We seek success in Finland,
are born and die in Maine.
In minor ways we differ,
in major we're the same.

I note the obvious differences
between each sort and type,
but we are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

Y is for Yes

I have been a nay-sayer most of my life. Not to other people. I'm usually the one cheering people on and telling them "Of course it's possible!"  However, in my own life, I am the first to think of the million reasons why something won't work.  I say "no" before I ever let the idea of "yes" enter my mind.  I think I have done this as a way of avoiding disappointment. If I didn't expect anything at all, then there's no way I could be hurt, or disappointed, or disillusioned.  Except that was false thinking.  Saying no just kept me lonely, hurt, and fearful.

I have been trying to allow more "YES" into my life. Yes to possibility. Yes to believing. Yes to trusting. Yes to opening up. Yes to being vulnerable.  And to tell you the truth, it's scary as hell.  But I am also tired of living a fear-based life where every decision I make is made out of fear. Saying yes...allowing yes...is new and uncomfortable for me.  I am hoping this isn't always so.  I am hoping "yes" gets easier to do.  And even if I do say "no" to things that I know aren't right for me, it's still a kind of yes. It's saying "yes" to myself.

X is for XXXX if I know what to write about today

ALLLLL month I have been trying to come up with a subject for the letter X and I have come up with squat. I tried to write about The X-Men movies, but all I could really come up with was: I love the movies, they are more than just rollicking action films, and Hugh Jackman is hot.  (cricket chirps ensued)

So to say I am struggling is putting it mildly. Especially considering that it's now 8:34pm in Denver and I have still not written a post.  OY, the pressure!!!!

X things I have experienced: x-rays, x-rated movies, playing the xylophone, xanax, Xerox machines.  X things I have NOT experienced: meeting someone named Xavier, and most of the list of X words I found online.

Hmmm...if you look at enough "x" words long enough, they start to look really, really weird. Like someone just made up a bunch of stuff and threw it out there--very much like this blog post.

My dear fellow bloggers, may you have had more success than I with your "X" topic. I shall sally forth and see how well the rest of you did. :)

W is for Wanting

Wanting. We all want things in life. A better job, new car, bigger house, to lose weight...the list of things people could possibly want is endless.  I myself want things.  But foremost of these has been a life partner (significant other, boyfriend). 

The thing is, I have been concentrating so much and so hard on the wanting, that I have never allowed myself (until recently) to think about the GETTING.  Much of not allowing myself to think about the getting was self-preservation. What if I let myself think about it happening and I got disappointed?  Then my friend helped me realize that's exactly why I wasn't getting. I had stopped anything before it could even become a fully-formed thought. As she put it "You're hell and damnationing it before it even gets off the ground."  Truer words were never said. So, for the past two weeks I have been allowing myself to move from just thinking about wanting to actually getting.  It's a very strange and new feeling for me. To be hopeful is not something I'm used to doing.  One of the things I've done is I've created a dream board and put up images, words, and phrases of the things I want to do, be, or have. And lo and behold, within DAYS some of the things started manifesting in my life. 

As mentioned in my "V is for Victory" post, I haven't quite conquered all the bad habits of putting the kibosh on things before they can even get started, but baby steps are the way I'm dealing with it. It took me 40 years to build up these bad habits, so it'll take a bit of time to replace them with better habits.

V is for Victory

I haven't quite gotten to the point where I can declare an all-out victory just yet, but I am winning many smaller battles.  In what, you may ask?  In letting go of my past and being able to enjoy my today. In realizing that things *can* work out and that I don't have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  In having fears come up and being able to let them go--not easily, old habits die hard--but eventually.

These victories may seem small, but for someone who has led a fear-based life, they're monumental for me.  I don't always do well in the battle, but it's getting a little bit easier each time.  Some days I am obsessed with the "what if", fear. Today happens to be one of those days.  I am working on a small victory of being able to release the fear (feelings are not facts) and trust that things will be okay. No matter what happens, *I* will be okay. 

Another thing I'm working on being victorious in: allowing myself to be open, vulnerable, and trusting with someone.  I am someone who can be scared spitless by the idea of being emotionally hurt by another human being, so for years and years I have kept myself closed off and behind a wall.  And it worked. I was able to avoid other people hurting me, but I was still hurting just the same.  A friend gave me an "aha" moment recently when she told me that trusting someone and possibly being hurt couldn't be any worse than how I was already torturing myself with fear and doubt.  So every day I am trying to move ahead toward victory over all of this. 

Positive thoughts regarding things working out and me eventually being 100% victorious VERY much appreciated.

U is for Unpretty

Mother always said I'd be very attractive
When I grew up, when I grew up.
"Different" she said, "With a special something
And a very, very personal flair."

"Different" is nice, but it sure isn't pretty
Pretty is what it's about.
I never met anyone who was "different"
Who couldn't figure that out.
So beautiful, I'd never live to see.

The above are lyrics from the song "At The Ballet" from A Chorus Line and ever since I first saw the movie (no, I've never seen it on stage), these lyrics pierced me through the heart because it conveyed exactly how I felt, and the words have stuck with me after 27 years. 

I have never in my entire life felt pretty.  I don't ever remember being told I was pretty growing up and I thought (part of still thinks) the reason I never had a boyfriend in school and have remained single is because I am not pretty.

I understand that some of you might be thinking that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  While that can be true, there are also some realities.  Reality: attractive people make more money. Reality: teachers call on attractive students more and deem them smarter. Reality: in movies and TV good things generally tend to happen to the attractive characters while bad things happen to the unattractive ones. We live in a superficial society where the standards of beauty are narrow indeed. Or that's the way it feels when one is on the outside of pretty.

However, I am trying to take my power back. I have gained much strength and a bit of calmness about things from this video: Katie Makkai - Pretty. It brings me to tears every single time I watch it, but it helps me feel less alone in my unpretty world and helps me to see that this is something that a lot of us struggle with. I'm not sure I'll ever conquer this feeing of being unpretty. I hope I can. I hope I can be confident in who I am and accept that perhaps everyone (me included) is really beautiful in her own way. I see it in others. I just struggle to see it within myself.

T is for Tattoos

I adore tattoos. I like them all: big ones, small ones, dainty ones, tough ones, bright ones, black and grey ones. I have several tattoos. I got my first one (shown below from both sides)

when I was 26 years old.  Well, the flowers and leaves were done at 26, and the butterflies were added 10 years later. So, it is one comprehensive design done at two sittings 10 years apart. My second one was also flowery and girly

  and my latest one was done about 4 years ago.  

They all have special meaning to me and I got all of them for a specific reason.  

I know tattoos have certain connotations with people, and I understand that. I also know that you can't judge a tattooed person so quickly. Tattoos are no longer the bastion of sailors, bikers, and miscreants. We who choose to have tattoos just like to have our art on our bodies and most of us have chosen what we have for a special reason or to commemorate a person or memory. And, we LOVE to be asked about them--as long as it's done respectfully and not with disdain. So if you see someone with tattoos that you either admire or are curious about, feel free to ask. I know I'm always happy to talk about  mine!