The Wisdom of Mr. Fred Rogers #1

"Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now."

This really struck me after my recent breakup. It struck me because I believe it 100% and I practiced it 100%. Sadly, it was not reciprocated. I was told I wasn't loved anymore because of who I was. And that is a hurt that is not easily gotten over. I'm still struggling with the idea that there is something "wrong" with me that would make me unlovable. Because that's the gist of what I was told boils down to.

The truth is we as humans are multi-faceted beings. On most days I am happy, optimistic, caring, loving, kind, and patient. On other days I am moody, insecure, sad (yes, even depressed sometimes), and pessimistic. And I wallow in those until I snap myself out of it. As humans, we can't always just be one way all the time. It would be unfair to expect that from anyone. I'm a human. I have changing moods. I guess if people can't accept that, then there's not much I can do. I am who I am. I like who I am even when I'm in a "negative" mood, because I am being my authentic self.

I'm trying to learn the lesson in all this. I am working on seeing the reason this happened. The event itself had no meaning, but what I learn about myself through all this has meaning. I'm working on it. I still hurt over the loss. I still cry every day. However, if I can learn something about myself through this (and I already have) then I can eventually heal.

A is for Alone

Alone is how I'm feeling right now. That could be because I've spent most of the day by myself in my house. I ventured outside briefly for a walk to try to clear my head.

I'm in a committed relationship with a man I love so much, it doesn't seem possible. I never knew I could love someone this much who wasn't related to me by blood.

So why this feeling of alone? I'm sure part of it is the distance between us. He in Ireland and I in Colorado. There is a seven-hour time difference between us which makes timing an issue in our communication. Acutely so. We don't get to share those small moments in our lives that some couples take for granted--perhaps even find boring. We can't sit across the dinner table and discuss our days. We have snippets of conversation.

The distance is difficult. Some days are worse than others. Today was a bad day. Coming on the heels of yet another holiday spent apart. I took things personally that were not meant as such. And I lashed out in my hurt.

What I do know is that I love this man more than anything. I want to be the best person I can be because of him. I know I fall short of that mark sometimes. And I pray that I don't scare him away when I have days like today.

N is for Niece and Nephew

I am not, technically, a mom.  I do, however, have two people on this earth who I can't imagine loving more if they were my own children. Those two people are my niece and nephew.  They are both in their 20's now and the reason I am so close to them was the opportunity I had in taking care of them when they were little.  My niece was born a little less than a year after I graduated from high school.  I was coming off one of my aforementioned depressions (see "H is for Happiness") and wasn't attending college and needed a job at the time my sister-in-law was ready to go back to work.  So when my niece was just three months old, I started taking care of her while my brother and sister-in-law were at work.  Three years later, my nephew came along.  I was with them Monday through Friday from 7 in the morning until 5 in the evening. I fed, bathed, and diapered them.  I was there for first words, first steps, and first days at school. I accompanied them on field trips and even took care of them when their parents went on vacation. So to say I have a close bond with these two amazing people would be an understatement.

They are two of the funniest people I know.  Our conversations--whether in person or via text--will often have me laughing so hard I snort.  They are both smart and kind and I see them growing and changing into these strong and capable adults and am awed they've been able to do all that in spite of all my shortcomings as a caregiver.  My niece is kindhearted, artistic and beautiful. My nephew is sweet, generous and handsome.  Every day I am so grateful that I have been able to be a part of their lives and every day I am grateful for the opportunity I had to be with them as much as I did.  This post is in honor of them. Thank you, my snugglies, for helping me to be a better person.  Auntie loves you to the edge of the universe and back.