I once took a seminar where I learned that there are only three causes of any upset. 1) An unfulfilled expectation. 2) A thwarted intention. 3) An undelivered communication. In other words: You didn't get what you wanted. You didn't do what you wanted. You didn't say what you wanted.
My latest disappointment--a true upset--was all three of these. I would like to lay the blame at the feet of the person who I could say disappointed me. However, I need to own my share in the disappointment. I didn't have something happen that I wanted to happen. However, at some point I needed to communicate something to this person that I didn't. I needed to stand up for myself and stand up for how I deserve to be treated. I didn't. My intentions were thwarted because I had intended to practice speaking up and letting my needs be known with this person, but when the moment of truth arrived, I kept silent. I chose not rocking the boat over my needs.
I was also disappointed in myself because I didn't follow through what I wanted to do. However, I have regrouped, forgiven myself, and will try again. We are none of us perfect and sometimes we will not do what we intended. Sometimes we will take the path of least resistance and perhaps not stick up for ourselves. But we can dust off and try again. We can become stronger. We can say to ourselves: "I give myself permission to attempt this until I get it right."
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
B is for Bullying
It seems as though not a week goes by and we're hearing about some young person doing the unthinkable because someone had bullied them to the point where they thought they had no other options to escape the hurt. And every week my heart breaks for these young people and their loved ones. I want to turn back time. I want to find these kids and tell them that they are NOT what they're being called. I want to tell them that they are worthwhile and valuable people. I want to reach inside their tortured souls and heal their pain.
I have been very fortunate in that I have been teased in my life, but never bullied. I was never singled out and told horrible things relentlessly every day. I stretch my mind to try to imagine what it would be like. To have the hurtful teasing things that were yelled at me intermittently happen every day throughout the day. My mind reels with the idea. How do you fight against that? How do you find the worthwhile self inside of you despite all that and protect that inner self from the assault? Can parents help? Sometimes parents can be one of the offenders. I saw my niece's self-esteem whittled away by comments my brother and his wife made to her, all the while thinking they were helping.
Some schools have programs in place to teach about bullying and to try and stop it. But if a kid has been bullied long enough and heard enough negativity to the point where they believe it, how can we expect them to speak up for themselves and get the help they need? Perhaps it starts with ourselves and our children. If we see bullying, we step in and say something. We teach out children to do the same. To rise up and defend those who for whatever reason can't defend themselves. We do the right thing when we can where we can.
Maybe there are no easy answers. Maybe there are no answers at all. Perhaps all we can do is our little part.
I have been very fortunate in that I have been teased in my life, but never bullied. I was never singled out and told horrible things relentlessly every day. I stretch my mind to try to imagine what it would be like. To have the hurtful teasing things that were yelled at me intermittently happen every day throughout the day. My mind reels with the idea. How do you fight against that? How do you find the worthwhile self inside of you despite all that and protect that inner self from the assault? Can parents help? Sometimes parents can be one of the offenders. I saw my niece's self-esteem whittled away by comments my brother and his wife made to her, all the while thinking they were helping.
Some schools have programs in place to teach about bullying and to try and stop it. But if a kid has been bullied long enough and heard enough negativity to the point where they believe it, how can we expect them to speak up for themselves and get the help they need? Perhaps it starts with ourselves and our children. If we see bullying, we step in and say something. We teach out children to do the same. To rise up and defend those who for whatever reason can't defend themselves. We do the right thing when we can where we can.
Maybe there are no easy answers. Maybe there are no answers at all. Perhaps all we can do is our little part.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
A is for Adultery
I'm on a few dating websites. My profile on all of them states very clearly that if you're married or otherwise involved, don't bother contacting me. I have had men either not read that portion of my profile or think that they're so amazing (or I'm so gullible) that they will be the ones to change my mind about that. I try to be as polite as possible. "No thank you. Good luck. Hope you find what you're looking for." However, most of the time I want to all-caps their asses and virtually yell "FIX YOUR SHIT OR GET OUT!!"
My most recent two encounters tried to garner some sympathy. "Things aren't good at home." "I haven't had sex in two years." And that's my concern, HOW?? Sorry, boys. You get zero sympathy from me. None. Staying in a bad relationship is a choice. I'm not saying it's an easy one. But nevertheless it is a choice. And as a point of full disclosure here, I confess to having had a past relationship with a married man. It wasn't fun. It wasn't easy. It wasn't worth a few moments of seeing him to go through all the rest of it. Guilt. Hurt. Resentment. And the biggest argument against it: you, as the "other woman" will never be first for him. You will never be his priority. You will never be the one he chooses. And if by some miracle he does get a divorce and decides to be with you, you are now involved with a man who doesn't try to fix what's wrong in a relationship, but instead seeks fulfillment elsewhere.
My conclusion: A no win situation if what you're searching for is a healthy, fulfilled, full-time relationship.
My most recent two encounters tried to garner some sympathy. "Things aren't good at home." "I haven't had sex in two years." And that's my concern, HOW?? Sorry, boys. You get zero sympathy from me. None. Staying in a bad relationship is a choice. I'm not saying it's an easy one. But nevertheless it is a choice. And as a point of full disclosure here, I confess to having had a past relationship with a married man. It wasn't fun. It wasn't easy. It wasn't worth a few moments of seeing him to go through all the rest of it. Guilt. Hurt. Resentment. And the biggest argument against it: you, as the "other woman" will never be first for him. You will never be his priority. You will never be the one he chooses. And if by some miracle he does get a divorce and decides to be with you, you are now involved with a man who doesn't try to fix what's wrong in a relationship, but instead seeks fulfillment elsewhere.
My conclusion: A no win situation if what you're searching for is a healthy, fulfilled, full-time relationship.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Negative Nancies
If there's one thing I've learned in my 40+ years on this earth is that life doesn't hand us what we want, life hands us what we expect. And language like "always" and "never" are some of the most self-defeating ways to think of things. Because if your thought is that you "always get in the line that moves the slowest", guess what? You WILL always get in the the slow-moving lines! If you think and post that you "always meet losers on dating sites" you WILL draw those people to you because it's what you're expecting.
I'm not saying that we all need to put on the rose-colored glasses and walk around with our heads in a Pollyanna cloud, but if we can have a different expectation--from life, from people--perhaps it can lead to more better days than bad days. How about just trying it as an experiment? Say you go home tonight and want to discuss (for the 28th time) with your significant other about clothes going in the hamper instead of on the hamper. And say that instead of thinking "Oh, I'm sure I'll get the same response I always get," you try, just TRY to think of a different response and thinking of that different response, you EXPECT a different response. How wonderful will it feel to have a conversation that moves forward instead of getting stalled at the same point it has in the past??
The energy with which we approach our interactions affects those with whom we're having those interactions. So for a week, experiment with the idea of a different expectation. I'd love to hear how it goes!
I'm not saying that we all need to put on the rose-colored glasses and walk around with our heads in a Pollyanna cloud, but if we can have a different expectation--from life, from people--perhaps it can lead to more better days than bad days. How about just trying it as an experiment? Say you go home tonight and want to discuss (for the 28th time) with your significant other about clothes going in the hamper instead of on the hamper. And say that instead of thinking "Oh, I'm sure I'll get the same response I always get," you try, just TRY to think of a different response and thinking of that different response, you EXPECT a different response. How wonderful will it feel to have a conversation that moves forward instead of getting stalled at the same point it has in the past??
The energy with which we approach our interactions affects those with whom we're having those interactions. So for a week, experiment with the idea of a different expectation. I'd love to hear how it goes!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Inspiration
I often get inspired by reading other blogs. Today I read a blog post by someone who listed the things she loved, in no particular order, and it was such a beautiful, touching, and funny list that it inspired me to think about the things I love--the things that make me happy.
In no particular order, I love:
My niece Brianna.
My nephew Brandon.
Sunrises and sunsets.
The smell of fresh cut grass.
Loving characters so much in a book I ache for them when bad things happen.
Hugs.
My brothers.
My sisters.
My mom.
Knowing that if everything fell apart in my life, I'd have the most amazing support group to help me back up.
Sheldon Cooper. :)
Banana cake with cream cheese frosting.
The color purple. (Not the movie or book, although I love those, too.)
Living in Colorado.
Colorado's breathtaking beauty.
Homemade tortillas.
The smell of orange blossoms.
My legs.
The ocean.
Road trips.
The Oatmeal.
Pedicures.
Tattoos.
Being to-the-bone exhausted and finally being able to crawl into bed with a happy sigh.
That light bulb moment when I finally understand a concept that had eluded me before.
Rainbows.
Music so beautiful it makes me cry.
Elvis Presley.
Cookouts.
Board games.
The smell of a man wearing Curve Crush.
Roller coasters and thrill rides.
Sleeping in.
Dancing.
Thanks for the inspiration, Ree!
In no particular order, I love:
My niece Brianna.
My nephew Brandon.
Sunrises and sunsets.
The smell of fresh cut grass.
Loving characters so much in a book I ache for them when bad things happen.
Hugs.
My brothers.
My sisters.
My mom.
Knowing that if everything fell apart in my life, I'd have the most amazing support group to help me back up.
Sheldon Cooper. :)
Banana cake with cream cheese frosting.
The color purple. (Not the movie or book, although I love those, too.)
Living in Colorado.
Colorado's breathtaking beauty.
Homemade tortillas.
The smell of orange blossoms.
My legs.
The ocean.
Road trips.
The Oatmeal.
Pedicures.
Tattoos.
Being to-the-bone exhausted and finally being able to crawl into bed with a happy sigh.
That light bulb moment when I finally understand a concept that had eluded me before.
Rainbows.
Music so beautiful it makes me cry.
Elvis Presley.
Cookouts.
Board games.
The smell of a man wearing Curve Crush.
Roller coasters and thrill rides.
Sleeping in.
Dancing.
Thanks for the inspiration, Ree!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
What I would tell my 18-year-old self
I was out with a friend today and we were having a fabulous conversation (as we always do) and I thought of a question one of my coworkers likes to ask people she meets. She often asks them, "What would you tell your 18-year-old self?" It's a fascinating and intriguing question. I posed it to my friend today at the coffee shop and we both took turns answering. Here's what I would tell myself at 18: you're more amazing than you think. You have so much to give the world. It's okay to be hurt--the hurt won't destroy you and you will learn to be happy again. Take more risks.
At 18 I remember myself thinking I was nothing special. That i had nothing to offer the world. I was really depressed after I turned 18. I think I would tell myself that it gets better. That life can be fun and that you will feel happy again. And maybe, most importantly, I would tell myself at 18: it's all going to be all right. Stop worrying and enjoy your life. LIVE your life.
It also makes me realize that I'm so glad I'm at *this* point in my life. I'm so glad that I've been on the journey that I have and it has culminated at me being at exactly this point at exactly this time.
At 18 I remember myself thinking I was nothing special. That i had nothing to offer the world. I was really depressed after I turned 18. I think I would tell myself that it gets better. That life can be fun and that you will feel happy again. And maybe, most importantly, I would tell myself at 18: it's all going to be all right. Stop worrying and enjoy your life. LIVE your life.
It also makes me realize that I'm so glad I'm at *this* point in my life. I'm so glad that I've been on the journey that I have and it has culminated at me being at exactly this point at exactly this time.
Friday, February 3, 2012
What does it all mean?
I'm trying desperately hard to not go into "men suck" mode, but they sure as hell have been disappointing me lately. I keep going back to what my friend has told me about the book "He's Just Not That Into You" and I happen to agree with her. If a guy really and truly wants to be with someone, he will. No ifs ands or buts about it. Being philosophical about it helps a bit. I'm telling myself that I don't want people in my life who do that and it's a good thing that I'm finally standing up for what I want. It just leaves me feeling alone and lonely. I despair of there not being anyone else on the horizon. Of being alone. I guess I'll just have to learn how to do single and solo and still be happy.
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