F is for Father

"Father" is pretty formal. I used to call my dad "dad", but for my purposes here, the subject matter is important, not the name.

I debated on talking about this on my blog, and in the end I think it will be okay. My dad and I were never what you would call close. There were times I was pretty sure he didn't like me or was singling me out in a way he never did any of my other siblings. That may be due to the tunnel vision one has when one is younger and one's limited view of the big wide world. I seemed to get in trouble with him a lot and get lectured and yelled at while my brothers and sisters were told they could go. I tried to win his approval and always fell short. "You could have done that instead," or "If you had done this it would have looked better," comments stung and I internalized them. It still hurts to think of the hour-long yell/lecture I got because I didn't like what we were having for dinner one night.

I went away as an adult with the thought "If I'm not even good enough for my own dad, then how is anyone else ever going to love and accept me?" I've been trying since I was little to win and keep people's affection. Terrified that if I'm not always doing better and being "perfect", then that affection will be taken away.

My dad passed away 13 years ago and by the time he had gone I had made peace with things. I knew he wasn't being deliberately cruel. As messed up as his parenting style was, he did the best he knew how. It just turns out what he knew about good parenting was very little. I have forgiven him, but I don't think I miss him the same way everyone else in the family does. I think about him occasionally and I get sad about him being gone sometimes. I'm sad he doesn't know his two youngest grandkids. I'm sad he'll never meet my significant other. But there isn't a deep sadness or a "I miss him every day" kind of thought that ever goes through my head.

So if you have a good relationship with your dad, be grateful. If you have a bad relationship with your dad and you want to make it better for you--not anyone else--then do what you can. The truth is, we can't all have what I call the "Oreo Cookie Commercial" type of relationships with our dads. Sometimes dads aren't very nice people and it's perfectly okay to not want a relationship with them. Just make peace with it however you can. Forgive as soon as you can. And go forward knowing that you are okay. You are complete. You are whole. You are worthy. You are PERFECT.

E is for Evolve

Evolve: To develop or achieve gradually

I guess one could argue that the journey I have been on since birth is one of evolution. We all evolve into different versions of ourselves throughout our entire lives. There are obvious changes, such as physical changes, but then there are those changes that happen internally and what feels like at a glacial pace. 

I'm not even the same person I was yesterday. I have made subtle changes to my thinking and to the way I handle situations. I did different things yesterday than I did the day before and today I will do still different things than I did yesterday. All of that adds up to my evolution as a human. A lot of the changes I'm making now toward my growth/evolution are conscious. There is a way of being I want to attain, a kind of person I want to be. I'm not quite there, but closer than I was a year ago, even closer than I was yesterday because of the choices I made and will continue to make. 

What kind of evolution do you want to make in your own life? What choices can you make today to bring you closer to where you want to be? Close your eyes and imagine what it would look like and feel like. Is there one defining moment when you will know you are there or will it be a series of smaller moments until the realization hits you? Really get that feeling and picture in your head until it's real for you. Then, slowly come back to the now. Having that feeling inside, knowing what it would be like, your subconscious will now do whatever it takes to get the feeling back and guide your choices. Revisit the scene every so often. It may evolve and change as well. Know that it may not look exactly like the picture in your head when the time comes, but the end result will be the same.

Peace, love, happy thoughts, and everything you desire coming to you my readers and fellow bloggers.

D is for Dancing

I've just come from one of my ballroom dance lessons. As usual, I learned more than just dance steps and technique.

I've always loved to dance. Put some music on and if I wasn't out on the dance floor, I was be-bopping in my chair. The dancing I've always done before the ballroom dance lessons was I guess what you would term "club" dancing. Just getting out there and moving to the music. No steps (unless it was a line dance), just movement. Interestingly, dancing is where I've always felt the least self conscious. As a consequence, I've often been told I'm a really good dancer.

I became interested in ballroom dancing when I was in middle school, perhaps earlier. I would watch ballroom dance competitions on PBS more often than not hosted by Juliet Prowse. I loved the smooth elegance of the waltzes and foxtrots and the fiery stalking moves of the tango and the romanticism of the rumba. As I got older and they stopped airing the competitions on PBS, I gobbled up every dancing movie I could.  I had always thought about taking ballroom lessons but had always left it as a "someday" idea. Last year, I realized I could wait around forever for the exact right time to take lessons, so I bit the bullet and signed up for some introductory lessons at a studio close to my house. I was immediately hooked.

My instructor is the right mix of demanding and gentle for me. I am challenged by what he asks of me and I don't always get the steps perfectly, but he never allows me to feel bad about it or beat myself up about it. I have learned dance steps, yes. I have refined my technique within the different dances most assuredly. But I have also learned patience with myself. I have learned that I can do something difficult and be good at it. I have learned that I can be elegant and graceful--two words I would never have used to describe myself a year ago.

Ballroom dance lessons are the best gift I have ever given myself.

C is for Confidence

I'm trying to figure out where my confidence started to erode and how it got to the point where it seemed like I didn't have any. In trying to stretch my memory back as far as I can go, I truly don't remember ever feeling confident. At least not the sort of confidence and boldness most kids seem to have. That fearlessness that everything is going to be fine. Even as a kid I was always worried (convinced) something horrible was going to happen.

I knew growing up that I was smart. I got good grades without much effort, but oftentimes kids like that falter as they get older. As I did. When learning and getting good grades comes easy, one never really learns how to try and how to work past blocks or stumbles. Now, as an adult, when something doesn't come easily to me I struggle to work past it. I used to tell myself "Aha! I KNEW it! The easy grades and smartness when I was young was just a fluke." Now I know that I can't possibly know everything nor can I possibly be good at everything the first time I attempt it. It's taken me a while to learn that however. My first inclination when I don't "get" something right away is to play the "See? I knew you would suck at this" tape. But with the help of wonderful people around me, I've begun to learn to beat up on myself less. It still happens, but I can usually catch it right away and re-frame it.

I still wish for a magic wand to magically "fix" things and make me the bold, confident, brave, fearless person I want to be. I think it's me still expecting things to come to me easily, which is not really what this journey through life is about is it?

I found this Ted Talk a few weeks ago and have been implementing the strategies outlined in it. It's a longer video, but well worth the watch. Click. Bookmark. Watch at your leisure. Enjoy.

Fake it until you BECOME it.

B is for Better

Today is a better day. It's cloudy and gloomy right now, but talking things over with my patience-of-a-saint boyfriend has brought some sunshine nonetheless.

There are some aspects about myself I appreciate and like. There are others, however, that I hate. The worst of these is my extreme lack of self-confidence. When I'm in severe self-doubt mode, I act irrationally. It almost feels as though my emotional maturity got stunted somewhere and I don't have tools to know how to talk things out and make my feelings known in an open, honest way.

Others say they see progress from where I was a year ago. I just don't see it myself--especially when I have bad days like Monday. I'm not sure where to go from here. I know I can't rely on anyone else for my confidence. I know the need for constant reassurance can get tedious for even the most patient of people. I don't know where to go from here. I'm looking for tools to help me feel better about myself. I know where I want to go, I just don't have the map yet.

A is for Alone

Alone is how I'm feeling right now. That could be because I've spent most of the day by myself in my house. I ventured outside briefly for a walk to try to clear my head.

I'm in a committed relationship with a man I love so much, it doesn't seem possible. I never knew I could love someone this much who wasn't related to me by blood.

So why this feeling of alone? I'm sure part of it is the distance between us. He in Ireland and I in Colorado. There is a seven-hour time difference between us which makes timing an issue in our communication. Acutely so. We don't get to share those small moments in our lives that some couples take for granted--perhaps even find boring. We can't sit across the dinner table and discuss our days. We have snippets of conversation.

The distance is difficult. Some days are worse than others. Today was a bad day. Coming on the heels of yet another holiday spent apart. I took things personally that were not meant as such. And I lashed out in my hurt.

What I do know is that I love this man more than anything. I want to be the best person I can be because of him. I know I fall short of that mark sometimes. And I pray that I don't scare him away when I have days like today.

A to Z April challenge

I'm excited and intimidated by this year's challenge. I haven't been blogging as regularly as I would like and the A to Z challenge forces me to be a more consistent blogger. On the other hand, I worry about running out of things to say or somehow coming up short on being interesting or read-worthy.

I'm not sure I've yet found my blogger's "voice". My blogs tend to be fairly personal about what is going on within my world and I wonder if that has enough of a universal appeal to keep readers wanting to come back. Do I need a "hook"? A gimmick? I always want to be authentic. I don't want to hide anything--even the unsavory aspects of what I do and why I do them. That's the thing about becoming a more self aware human: one often finds out one's motives for things aren't always altruistic and are sometimes downright selfish and self-serving.

Nevertheless I will leap with both feet into next month's blogging challenge and know that I will enjoy it and stress about it and maybe even pull at my hair sometimes due to coming up blank on topics. I will also learn more about myself and others through reading their blogs and will come out in May better for it.

Happy blogging!