Monday, February 14, 2011

Two steps forward, three steps back?

Some days that's exactly what it feels like. Today is one of those days. I've been in therapy for over a year now and have made progress. I know I have. Interestingly, I don't think my latest bit of angst/funk has anything to do with it being Valentine's Day. I knew I wouldn't be with anyone this year. I knew I wouldn't have a date. And at this point, being by myself is something I'm getting used to. Some old tapes are playing, however.

Maybe if I just say what happened it would ease some of it. My sister calls it "getting it out of your head". It's a good idea. I'm usually far too inside my head where I think things make sense. Where I can rationalize my feelings of doubt and make the doubts true. The thing is, a lot of this feels so damn silly and I'm rather embarrassed and feeling foolish as hell for letting it bother me. But, here goes anyway.

So I started playing this new game on my phone. Sort of like mobile Scrabble. Same board setup, same rules, same tiles and racks. Anyway, there's a guy who I started playing with (you can ask for a random opponent), and we stared playing and chatting. He's fun, smart, WAY too good at this game (more about that coming soon), and we hit it off. Cool beans, right? We've played quite a few games these past few days and he's won all of them except one. Now I consider myself a pretty smart cookie, but playing with this guy makes me feel like a junior high schooler who's in remedial spelling. And it really hadn't been a big deal until today. I liked the challenge of playing with him and the camaraderie was pleasant and enjoyable. We were playing a game today and I was actually in the lead for once. I was feeling all right and then in just a few words, this guy shoots past me by almost 100 points. It felt as though he was trying to make me feel good by letting me win. And that felt downright condescending. And then we played another game and he really kicked my ass. And I got quiet and moody. I was feeling downright pissed off. Not because he beat me (again). I've gotten used to that. But that game where I *swear* he was letting me win still is sticking with me. Do I know for sure that's what was going on? No. I don't. But it sure feels true. See? It's silly. So why am I letting it bother me so much? Why did I allow it to strain what had been a fun, lighthearted conversation? And then, of *course*, I worry about what he thinks. "Oh dear. He's going to think I'm a moody, psychotic loon."  And if he does? I'd worry that he wouldn't want to play anymore. I'm already worried about that. Because the thing is, it's extraordinarily difficult to find intelligent, decent, funny people to chat with and relate to. Sure, you can say that there are more out there. Tonight, however, feels pretty bleak and the company is scarce.

Yup, somedays is most certainly does feel like two steps forward and three steps back.

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