Friday, February 18, 2011

Once a douche bag, always a douche bag

Okay, so maybe that's a bit harsh. But I signed onto my Yahoo email account and it automatically pulls up Yahoo chat (or a version thereof), and I see this guy I used to talk to in the "contacts" list. We had known each other for a while after having met in a chatroom on IRC. We started talking one-on-one after about a year. We got along and were similar in age, religious views, political views, and the non-desire for kids. We would chat online and on the phone every night. He started mentioning coming out here to see me (he lives in California, and I live in Colorado), and had even gave me numerous potential dates of when he would be able to come out. He mentioned coming out in May 2010, but as the date of him being out here drew closer, he cancelled. Then it was sometime in the summer, but that never happened. He had even mentioned me joining him in San Francisco at some point--guess what? That didn't happen either. The final straw came last fall when he mentioned a possible October visit. Again, as the date drew closer, his plans fell through again. He always blamed it on work. All of his never-happened trips out here were all scheduled around his work that would bring him here. Here's the thing: I knew how much he made because he told me (way above decent), and a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Denver isn't all that expensive. Yet he never once made the suggestion of coming out here WITHOUT work footing the bill.

I understand that I allowed it to happen. Truly I do. I also think that if someone isn't really all that interested in you, he should have the balls to come out and say so. Instead I was getting emails that said things like: "I hope to take many walks with you in the future." and a birthday card that said "Here's to spending many more birthdays together." Silly me thought he actually meant it!!!

So here is my warning and advice to you ladies: men who choose online as their main source of meeting people need to be very closely scrutinized. Online relationships allow men to keep both physically and emotionally distant. I believe that many men who like online relationships like them for the very fact that they don't ever truly have to commit or be in a true relationship. And if your relationship is solely online and on the phone it is NOT a real relationship. Real relationships are about being *with* someone in all of the senses of the word. With them day to day, spending actual time with them in a physical presence, being emotionally available to each other, and actually wanting all of that. But a lot of guys--like my "prince" out in California--are perfectly content with online non-relationships. And if that's what suits you as well, then more power to you. But don't lament that your online relationship isn't moving forward. Cut ties, cut your losses, and move on. Because there IS someone out there who wants to be with you. But there are things you must do in order to have the relationship you want.

1. You have to believe you are worthy of a committed relationship.
2. You have to get out there and actually meet people. Mr. Right isn't going to show up on your doorstep and announce "Here I am!"
3. You have to be crystal clear about what you want. It's all well and good to know what you don't want--that can actually help clarify your true wants--but don't focus on what you don't want. Because sure as shit that's what you will draw to you.
4. You have to be willing to cut your losses when you know things aren't working in a relationship. Don't settle because you're afraid to be alone. If you can't stand to be alone that means you can't stand your own company. And if *you* can't stand to be with you, why would anyone else??
5. Go out and live your life. Stop waiting to do things until you have a partner. When you're out living, doing the things you love, that's when you're going to meet someone. Be the person you want to be NOW. Don't put your life on hold. Once you're leading a happy and fulfilled life, you'll be a much better partner to someone. Looking outside of yourself for happiness is setting yourself up for failure. It's unfair to expect someone else to fill the void.

May you all find your happiness.

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