Tuesday, March 1, 2011

What does it take to make connections with people these days? The sense of comradeship, friendship, even affection? I've been trying to allow myself to reach out, to be vulnerable, and to ask (in one way or another) for what I want. However, it seems as though at each turn, I am getting rebuffed. Or that sometimes I'm putting forth the bulk of the effort and getting nothing back. My mood right now is pensive and discouraged. I guess in a way that's good. A few months ago I would have been depressed and considering stopping all attempts at making connections. There's the slightest urge to do that now--to stop trying. The thing is, I know that doesn't work. Pulling back and removing myself from trying just assures that I'll be alone and lonely, and I want to feel close to people and make friendships. I want camaraderie. I want love and affection from a romantic partner.

A friend years ago was dating someone who told her: "We all have an endless supply of ourselves to give." I loved the idea at the time--I suppose I still do. I wonder now, though, if it's true. Or is it like a bank account where you withdraw in order to give (and withdraw and withdraw and withdraw), but if you're not getting anything back in the form of affection or connections with others, the balance eventually dwindles to zero.

At the same time, I am feeling the most personally fulfilled that I have in a while. My friendships with the women in my life have lifted me up and supported me recently in a way that I didn't even know I was missing.

So...I guess I keep trying. I keep giving myself and hope that the balance of what I have to give doesn't go down to nothing.

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