The Wisdom of Mr. Fred Rogers #1

"Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now."

This really struck me after my recent breakup. It struck me because I believe it 100% and I practiced it 100%. Sadly, it was not reciprocated. I was told I wasn't loved anymore because of who I was. And that is a hurt that is not easily gotten over. I'm still struggling with the idea that there is something "wrong" with me that would make me unlovable. Because that's the gist of what I was told boils down to.

The truth is we as humans are multi-faceted beings. On most days I am happy, optimistic, caring, loving, kind, and patient. On other days I am moody, insecure, sad (yes, even depressed sometimes), and pessimistic. And I wallow in those until I snap myself out of it. As humans, we can't always just be one way all the time. It would be unfair to expect that from anyone. I'm a human. I have changing moods. I guess if people can't accept that, then there's not much I can do. I am who I am. I like who I am even when I'm in a "negative" mood, because I am being my authentic self.

I'm trying to learn the lesson in all this. I am working on seeing the reason this happened. The event itself had no meaning, but what I learn about myself through all this has meaning. I'm working on it. I still hurt over the loss. I still cry every day. However, if I can learn something about myself through this (and I already have) then I can eventually heal.

Restless stirrings

528 hours. That's how long I've made it after having the "rug of life" yanked out from under me. So far I'm hanging in there.

There's still that sadness running in the background all the time, tainting the day to day stuff. Sometimes I can shake it off completely for a while, and in those moments I am deeply and truly grateful. I'm also experiencing a restlessness, a need to do something or go somewhere. Everything in my life has been drastically touched by what happened, yet the day to day stuff is so very much the exact same. I feel a deep need to shake that up, to change that same-ness and do something different and be in a different space for a while.

So, question out to those who might be reading this: suggestions?

Criteria:

• I think somewhere near water would be soothing
• Nothing too hot--I dislike heat
• Budget-minded (one of these days I'll win the lotto)
• Relaxing
• Someplace far enough and different enough from Denver to actually *feel* different
• Interesting things to do and places to go while I'm there

Verge of tears

That's me lately. Just moments away from breaking down and crying. I am, by nature, a cry-er anyway. I cry at sad movies, sob at the really, really sad ones. A touching story on the news or a Hallmark card commercial can also send me to tears. Lately, though, my tears have a distinct reason. My walking the fine edge between "getting by" and "weepy mess" is a very precarious indeed. Two weeks ago today I was dumped by the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And there has not been a day since that I have not cried. Some days there are deep, wracking sobs that shake my entire body and leave me exhausted and raw. Some days it's just quiet tears at a memory, at the stinging realization of a future lost, or at the kindness of someone who knows I am hurting and wants to make it better.

I'm not functioning very well. I almost feel as if I have a low-grade illness. Always in the background there is a sadness tainting everything I do. There are some brief, blessed moments where I can forget, but then reality always comes crashing back. And the pain starts anew. All I want to do is sleep. At least sleep is a bit of forgetting and time passes easier during sleep. My stomach is on the verge of nausea all the time as well. I have difficulty concentrating and completing tasks. Everything just feels off.

I am hoping that with time, all of this will ease. I am hoping that with time, I will start to feel more like myself again. I am hoping with time, I will be able to see the lesson in this. I am hoping with time, that I will heal and be whole again.

I pray a lot. I ask others to pray a lot for me. I try to distract myself. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. But I've made it two weeks and I just keep going one minute at a time, I guess. Keep breathing in and out. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hoping that someday, it'll be better.