Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Verge of tears

That's me lately. Just moments away from breaking down and crying. I am, by nature, a cry-er anyway. I cry at sad movies, sob at the really, really sad ones. A touching story on the news or a Hallmark card commercial can also send me to tears. Lately, though, my tears have a distinct reason. My walking the fine edge between "getting by" and "weepy mess" is a very precarious indeed. Two weeks ago today I was dumped by the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And there has not been a day since that I have not cried. Some days there are deep, wracking sobs that shake my entire body and leave me exhausted and raw. Some days it's just quiet tears at a memory, at the stinging realization of a future lost, or at the kindness of someone who knows I am hurting and wants to make it better.

I'm not functioning very well. I almost feel as if I have a low-grade illness. Always in the background there is a sadness tainting everything I do. There are some brief, blessed moments where I can forget, but then reality always comes crashing back. And the pain starts anew. All I want to do is sleep. At least sleep is a bit of forgetting and time passes easier during sleep. My stomach is on the verge of nausea all the time as well. I have difficulty concentrating and completing tasks. Everything just feels off.

I am hoping that with time, all of this will ease. I am hoping that with time, I will start to feel more like myself again. I am hoping with time, I will be able to see the lesson in this. I am hoping with time, that I will heal and be whole again.

I pray a lot. I ask others to pray a lot for me. I try to distract myself. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. But I've made it two weeks and I just keep going one minute at a time, I guess. Keep breathing in and out. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hoping that someday, it'll be better.

4 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I wish I had the words to bring you back to life, but alas, as you mentioned in a previous post, this is your journey and you must handle it as you choose.

    I give you a hug--even one from a stranger often gives comfort--and remind you that YOU are more valuable than to be "dumped" by anyone, so it is his loss more than yours, whether or not he ever realizes it.

    You have strength within and one day soon you will look up and see a new sunrise with wiser eyes, and a new relationship with a more tender heart.
    Hugs
    tm

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  2. So sorry to read Mary - just dropping by to say if you are still interested in sending me a guest blog you can send over to maccaz17@hotmail.com - thx so much - David

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  3. Oh, dear. Major hugs from me. Please know, life does do better. I was dumped by a guy, that, like you, I thought I would spend my life with, right after a bad wreck, in the hospital, yet. I wasn't in the dumps, I was under the dump for a while. Time wore slowly on, and I met this goofball guy. I wasn't quite sure about him, but I took another chance... And we just had our 22nd anniversary, so there is always hope for the future.

    I will think heavy duty good thoughts for you.

    Cat

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