U is for Unworthy

I have in my life an amazing man who for whatever reason is deeply in love with me. He is everything I have ever wanted and I love him so much it feels like I might just burst with it some days.

I have never ever believed I would have something like this--this love--in my life. I believed it for everyone around me. I believed that everyone was destined to be with someone they loved who truly loved them if that's what they wanted. But not me. I could never believe it for me. I never believed myself deserving. I never believed myself worthy of it. I could rattle off 10 "flaws" I think I have without so much as pausing to think about it, but if you asked me to name 10 things that might make me worthy of love and affection from someone (and I'm not just talking romantic love either), I struggle with it. I hem and haw and when I do think of something positive I qualify it or my "bad wolf" automatically starts telling me how full of myself and vain I am.

As a result, it's difficult for me to believe deep down that this man loves me. I have fears and insecurities that I allow to take over until I start believing them. When I'm having good days, I can easily talk myself back from the ledge by acknowledging that feelings aren't facts and all evidence (REAL evidence) points to nothing like my mind has awful-ized. Then there are my "I'm unworthy" days when I feel almost paranoid about everything. As if I'm waiting for something horrible to come pouncing out of nowhere and the bad wolf will be able to say "See? I told you it wasn't real and you weren't ever going to be happy."

I think I have found some ways to help push the negative thoughts aside. Not ignore them. Not fight them--for doing that gives them power and makes them stronger. But replacing them with affirmations and positive thoughts. Even if I don't believe them, it's important to say them or write them. Because if I'm concentrating on one, I'm not concentrating on the other, and vice versa. And I'm told that eventually, with enough time and repetition, I WILL start to believe the affirmations.

So I keep working at it. Keep trying and sticking with the things that work for me to help me feel better, feel WORTHY of the good in my life.